20th year reunion

I am back from Puerto Rico with what can only be described as a huge relocation identity crisis.  This seems to happen to me a couple of months after I move anywhere, and from talking to other "expert relocates" I'm not the only one it happens to.  But this one seems to have been triggered earlier in the relocation process, likely as a result of the 20th year high school reunion and the fact that this relocation is unlike any other one I have experienced.  On the one hand there are many familiar things about this relo -- I've come here for 2-3 weeks pretty much every year for the last 10 years or so, we are close to family, it's a Spanish speaking country, etc. etc. So I should be better than I have been in other relos where I don't know the people, the language, etc.  But with this one I've pretty much said goodbye to my life as I know it -- I have no job, no house, no car, even 2 months after having moved.  I know this may seem like a blessing in disguise, but it's starting to wear on me.  I need something to keep me grounded and that usually means having a semblance of my old life.  But all I have is boxes full of stuff I can't open because there's no space, a routine that SOLELY revolves around the kids school and the grocery store (sometimes peppered in with a visit to the salon), and friendships that seem to revolve only around my husband's family, which is good, up to a point.  Up to the point where you want your own life and your own house and your own friends and your own car.  A place to retreat to.  I think the fact that my family has been so independent for the last 10 years adds to this - we are used to being on our own and having family around only once in a while.  And believe, I will NEVER complain about having family around all the time, but all of a sudden the walls start closing in on you.  When you're sitting around the family table discussing EVERYONE's business, when you can't say something without it coming back to hunt you a million times.  I know people here use making fun of people as a way to relate to others, I'm trying to get that.  But I've become such a private person who doesn't take criticism well that all I can do is clam up and shut up and I feel like I can't be myself.  Same thing happened with my high school friends, I just couldn't connect with them (with the odd exception).  They made fun of my accent, they didn't give me any credit for helping plan this reunion, they said this time around they did it better than always when I was the one involved in every other reunion. Little things like that which I'm sure they did or said totally harmlessly but which just made me feel out of place.  I feel like I don't belong in Puerto Rico, like I don't belong in Peru, but despite the fact that I'm totally out of sorts and don't feel like myself and that I look at this life I have and I say "this isn't supposed to be my life", I know the kids are happy, happier than they've ever been. And so as a mom I know I have to stick this out, it's not my life anymore it's theirs, even if the happier they are the less happy I am.  And I know I will get out of this funk, my past experiences tell me that -- but I just need SOMETHING to get me over the hump.  A job, a car, a house, something.  I need to stop living out of boxes, always feeling like I'm having an out of body experience, I need my own space to retreat into.  I need friends of my own.  I need to get to the point where I look this life in the eye and can say "OK, I can do this, I can live this life".

Besides ALL this, I had a huge bonding experience with Sebas given I traveled alone with him and was happy to be able to spend time with my mom and my dad and his wife.  I loved being able to go to the beach with Sebas and get into the warm Caribbean waters, even if it rained almost every day!  I loved being able to eat Puerto Rican food non stop for a week, and despite not being able to connect with my friends from high school all too well it's always nice to go back "home" and have lots of people to see and talk to.  I will miss Puerto Rico and hope I can go back again soon -- hopefully along with hubby and daughter next time!

P.S. I would post pictures but my camera died after only 8 pictures! Then my iPhone which I was using as back-up camera was stolen during the reunion.  That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back, when I lost the iPhone I lost my marbles too, amazing what "grounding" effect a stupid thing like a phone can have on you.  I felt that when I didn't have my iPhone anymore I had lost all connections to my family back in Peru and everything that seemed normal (and routine) in my life.