Everything is relative

My good friend Ervin used to always say "everything is relative" way back when we used to work together. It's funny because he would always say it whether the context lend itself to the saying or not, so of course it was always hilarious when I would say something like "I'm hungry, let's go to lunch" and he would respond "everything is relative, Ivette" in that not-so-subtly condescending tone all of us who are friends with him got to know and love. No Ervin, I'm hungry, PERIOD, there's no relative, but you might lose a relative if we don't go to lunch soon! I miss working with Ervin and having "everything is relative" peppered into any and every conversation he could fit it into. By the way, Ervin and I are on the far right of the picture above. This picture was taken at the 2000 Company Holiday Party - we're here with Dervin, Lety, Jaime and Chelita living in an era that seems long gone but never forgotten.

Today, all I have been able to think is everything is relative, so thanks Ervin for teaching me a lesson that only took me 6 years or so to learn. I just finished watching an excellent documentary called "Born into Brothels", which made me turn to my friend Mary as we were working out and say "you know, it made me feel really guilty about complaining about my life when there's stuff like that happening in the world". To which then I added "but really, I might be in Corporate America, but I'm still the victim of inhumane treatment!". Case in point of the everything is relative clause, which I'm combining with Murphy's Law as the guiding principles for my life.

Anyway, I haven't brought myself to blog about my job yet because a) it's too painful and I feel like I would start writing and never stop, kinda like Forrest Gump with his running, and b) my friend Gigi instilled the fear of God in me by saying "you never know who could end up reading your blog and if your next potential employer could find stuff you're saying about work and decide not to hire you". So please if you work at Google or Apple and you have my resume, stop reading right now. At some point I know I'll say screw it, I don't care anymore, and I'll go ahead and write the 10,000 things I hate about my job. I already have the catchy title and everything - "The Devil Wears Black Leather". Or maybe this is better: "I know I don't work with the monkeys from the Career Builder ads because the ones I work with are disguised as humans". I'm pretty sure that whatever bad thing I've done to deserve this I've more than paid my dues on, so please can I win the $370 Mega Millions tomorrow??? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

But anyway, I'm not quite ready to get fired (not until I sell at least one house or win the lotto whichever comes first, which actually I think might be the lotto), so I shall not digress any longer which I have concluded is pretty much the only thing I'm good at. Back to "everything is relative". Here are a few things I have found to be relative throughout the course of the day which I feel I must address:

• This blog is incredibly shallow relative to my friend Ana's.
• This blog is pretty boring relative to my friend Tom's.
• I'm pretty thin relative to Tyra Banks.
• I'm not that f^^ed up relative to Britney Spears, or Anna Nicole Smith for that matter.
• I'm not that f^^ed up relative to the people who were babysitting and gave these toddlers pot to smoke.
• I don't own that many properties relative to Donald Trump.
• I don't have that many friends relative to my friend Carolina Cacho, who's got 376 friends on Facebook at last count.
• My husband is pretty tall relative to Tom Cruise and I'm pretty tall relative to my friend Lety.

• As per Lety's request I am adding this one: Dieting in France is relatively easier than dieting in Italy. This is from her own personal experience, I have yet to prove this out myself even though I would love to. ;)
• I'm supposed to be smart relative to 95% of the US population but yet I feel dumber every day.
• I'm supposed to be rich relative to 90% of the US population but yet I'm broke (how does the other 90% do it!?).
• It hasn't snowed the much here relative to upstate New York.
• Milk doesn't cost that much relative to baby formula.
• Coach is not that expensive relative to Prada.
• I'm pretty chatty relative to my friend Mara, who has yet to post an entry on her blog I can read!

I'll keep adding more "relatives" as I continue to get inspired, I'm sure as soon as I got back to work tomorrow I'll get the "divine inspiration" I need. :)